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One
Rachel
Monday
Morning, September 11, 2000
Real
love dies hard, if at all.
It struggles against reason; ignores all logic;
resists, with every fibre of its being, the
dark and painful descent to its demise.
Rachel Marin had
always believed this to be infallible truth.
It was now her reality. She had greeted the
new millennium, still clawing her way up from
the basement of her life. Nine months later,
jagged steps remained.
Sporting faded
jeans, a white, Boston University sweat shirther
Alma Materand white ankle socks, Rachel
sat alone on the barren, white-carpeted, living
room floor.
With delicate
fingers interlaced around knees drawn to her
chest, she leaned lightly against the wall behind
her. She stared blankly at the Italian-marble
fireplace across the room. However, her gaze
took her far beyond itback into her past,
and yet forward toward an uncertain future.
Tear tracks lined her
unmade face. Her hair, finally auburn again,
not blonde as David had always insisted, sought
its own contrary course.
Rachel
glanced toward the partially open front door;
past two Coach suitcases; a clothes bag; a computer
bag; two camera bagsone still, one videoand
two, nearly identical, tan briefcases. All were
lined neatly, side by side.
Everything had
been packed, just so. The Apple G4 laptop was
in it's reinforced bag, as were rewritable CDs,
DVDs, zip disks, USB cable. A smaller canvas
bag held a high-resolution digital camera; a
Palm, and assorted web devices, including a
satellite internet uplink.
A third briefcase,
this one black and timeworn, held copies of
manuscripts and publishers' rejection letters.
Rachel kept every one. And there were dozens.
"Fuel for my inner fire,Ó she told herself.
She knew that writers who dream of being published
often struggle to persevere in the face of rejection
and self-doubt.
The Sony Hi-8
video camera was secure in its case, along with
extra tapes and battery packs. The still cameraa
Canon EOS Rebel she purchased on her birthday
in '95had standard and telephoto lenses.
Rachel packed
away 48 rolls of color Kodak filmhalf
200, half 400 speed; 6 rolls of Ilford black
and white film; 4 packages of lens paper, and
a large can of compressed air.
There was the
large, weathered, tan leather case containing
almost two hundred still photographs; a sheaf
of torn movie tickets; a bundle of old love
letters.
And there was
more. Dozens of amusement park ticket stubs;
numerous luggage tags from memorable trips;
a ream of faded notes scribbled on coffee-stained
restaurant napkins; scores of Christmas, birthday
and even business cards. This was Rachel's life
in bits and pieces. Few things were more valuable.
Packing 'her
life' away had not been easy. In doing so, Rachel
fought past an onslaught of persistent memories
she thought she had banished.
There
were memories of losing her father; her life
with David; long-denied loneliness she often
felt being an only child. When the packing was
done, she knew it would be a long while before
she reopened the old case.
The two large
suitcases held only clothing she really needed,
plus a few pieces she simply could not live
without. All other clothing, accumulated over
many years, was donated to the Purple Heart
organization in Altadena.
Finally, a vintage,
pea-green, US Army Surplus duffel bag was crammed
with rolled jeans, folded T-shirts and causal
items requiring little or no special care.
Rachel's
quaint, three bedroom, white clapboard and brick,
South Pasadena house was on Mission Street,
only blocks from Fair Oaks Boulevard. It had
been her home for nearly ten years. Selling
it was traumatic. Leaving it was beyond difficult.
Except for the
luggage and the memories, the place was now
empty. She once shared the home, on rare occasion,
with her husband, David, a Paramount Pictures
executivethe man with whom she had expected
to spend the rest of her life.
Their larger,
more glitzy, Pacific Palisades home never really
suited her simple, country-girl tastes. David
was gone now, as were the reams of paper maché
dreams Rachel once embraced.
She sat stone
still, drew several deep breaths, then started
to stand. The time had come. The hour; the moment;
the second ordained for her departure.
The knowing was
unmistakable. A nearly audible voice. A force
that nearly yanked her from her place. She rose,
lifted a large wicker basket brimming with fresh
rose petals, and made her way to the farthermost
room.
Outside, a brilliant southern
California sun. Inside, a shower of red rose
petals floated down onto a sea of arctic-white
carpet. Rachel's eyes misted, as she drifted
from room to room. She moved slowly, sowing
fragrant symbols she prayed would yield a harvest
of love for newlywed owners of her home. This
was once her home, once a sanctuary for boundless
dreams and fanciful imaginings. But no more.
For months, Rachel
had walked a knife's edge between suicide and
rebirth. Her Faustian choice rested between
the near certainty of death, and the desperate
quest for new life. And she was alone, as alone
as she had ever been in her 38 years.
Rachel had not
arrived easily at her decision to leave California.
The inner struggle leading to the decision had
been epic and exhausting. Yet, she knew answers
lay far beyond the Golden State's borders. But,
where?
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